Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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