I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Randomize
