I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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