im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
is it fun? or sober?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
