you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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