R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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