and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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