dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize