I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
being pregnant is like rehab
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
