i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize