Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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