can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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