I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
it hurts more in the daytime
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
