I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
