I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
