The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
