I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
my poor anus
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
