...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
