You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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