What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize