I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Randomize
