Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
