The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
