my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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