I cannot find my penis.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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