i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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