in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
