I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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