i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
