so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
