the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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