Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize