hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
