im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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