Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
