Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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