i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
