Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
