Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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