Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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