i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize