We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
