it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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