Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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