It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
