guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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