Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
