True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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