8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
