i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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