would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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