oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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