I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
