If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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