He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
