all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
