Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
