Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
