The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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