I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
